Phuket, Thailand 2014

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Thursday March 13, 2014:

Why Thailand, you ask? Well…Lynda's daughter, Amy, had recently moved there for 4 months to train at the Tiger Muay Thai Gym. We decided it would be a good excuse for us to go over there and check it out. We spent weeks searching for prices and accommodations. I had originally picked out a lovely place in the country - a house rental which included a dog and a water buffalo for $6.00 per night. Unfortunately it wasn't available. Lynda said, "maybe we could up our budget a bit" and picked out a windowless shack that she found for $8.00 per night with no hot water. It wasn't available either. Finally, we made the decision to splurge and stay at the same hotel Amy was at.

We got up at 5:00 a.m. Last night's winter storm was over but the roads were still slippery when we left at 6:28. After gassing up, we were on the road at 6:41. We planned to be at the Toronto Pearson Airport by 10:30 to catch our 12:30 flight. It was quite windy so I had to stay at 100 kph on the slippery roads. Near Toronto we got stuck in traffic and didn't move for 40 minutes. We were getting quite worried. Finally made it to Skypark. I rushed in to arrange payment and Lynda lugged the luggage to the van. They whisked us away. Half way there, I realized I had meant to leave my winter coat in the car. The driver was nice enough to take it from me and return it to my car (I hope…or perhaps he'll be wearing it the whole time we're away). I was amazed to discover that we arrived at the airport at 10:32…only two minutes past the time we had planned to arrive. Ran into one of the people I work with in the line-up. Small world. While going through the x-ray, Lynda was pulled aside. They even put her inside the large scanner. Apparently she had metal in her shoe, belt and one rib? She's always full of surprises. We were starving so I checked out the airport cafeteria. Half an egg salad sandwich was priced at $13.00. I sat back down beside Lynda and pulled out some Bugles. Lynda said I had them all over my face and was calling me "The Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy of Gate C-33."

Our plane left on time. When boarding, we each had a carry-on bag and a musical instrument (guitar and ukulele). As I walked up the aisle, one of the overhead compartments popped open and a blanket fell out completely enveloping me. I had no hands free to remove it so I continued up the aisle looking like Casper the Ghost, until a helpful woman removed it for me. Korean Air was very good to us. They gave us blankets, pillows, headsets, toothbrushes, toothpaste and slippers. Lynda had the window seat and I was next to her. We each had our own monitor built into the seat in front of us with our choice of about 50 current movies. There were also about the same number of video games along with a built in joystick for playing them. I did a lot of golfing and watched quite a few movies…but not as many as Lynda did. Food and drinks were served about every 40 minutes and you could request as many drinks as you wanted on our 26 hour flight. At one point, both Lynda and I were standing in line for the washroom. She went first. I watched a guy walk up the aisle to her bathroom door and open it. I knew he was going to do it but my brain wasn't working fast enough to prevent it. Lynda screamed. She'd forgotten to lock it. Well, she does like to be the centre of attention.

Friday March 14, 2014:

Arrived at the Seoul, Korea airport around 3:30 p.m. I'm not really too sure of the time because of the time difference. My Seoulmate and I disembarked and hung out in the lounge. There was a lot going on there. A parade and then some live classical music. Eventually, we left there and flew on to Phuket arriving at 11:30 p.m. It was about a 26 hour flight in real time. Unlike most of my airline experiences, we breezed through customs and our bags were waiting for us when we got off the plane. We caught a taxi almost immediately. They wanted 1500 Bhats but Amy had already advised us that she paid 800 so I bartered downward and gave in at 900 Bhats. The driver couldn't find our resort so he stopped in to ask a girlfriend. While he was gone, she came out and said, "He's a nice man, but he can't see". That was encouraging. Amy was waiting for us at our hotel "The One" in Chalong. It was closed so she had arranged to get a key, let us in and also gave us a tour of our room and how everything worked. I think of Amy as "my provider" as she always looks out for me. In between showing how our hot water on demand button worked, she would pop a candy into my mouth to keep up my strength. She explained how toilet paper went in the basket rather than the toilet and how our remotes worked for the two air conditioning units in our room and living room. We had a key card that went into a slot to provide power. When it was removed, there was a 20 second delay and then all the lights and air conditioning went off. Amy single-handedly removed the tv from our bedroom, saying "You won't need that", and carried it into the livingroom. We chatted with Amy until 3:00 a.m. and finally went to bed. Our room is #1 at the One and is upstairs with a little balcony and a balcony cat. We have a medium sized refrigerator and are supplied with two fresh bottles of water a day along with daily room service. There is a coffee maker, two sinks and a fairly large screen tv with cable. There is also wireless internet service for Lynda's tablet. Also there is a sheet of paper detailing everything in the room and its replacement cost in case we have the urge to go postal.

We Were Afraid To Take This Taxi Service

Saturday March 15, 2014:

Got up and joined Amy (or "Aw me" as the locals call her) in the hotel restaurant. I was always afraid of ordering as I tend to get "Tai Chi" and "Chai Tea" mixed up, but we had a good omelet with toast and fruit and juice and coffee for about $3.00 Cdn which is about the standard price for every meal. Awme had already had her early morning 2 ½ hour training workout so she headed off to bed in preparation for her second 2 ½ hour training later that day. We decided to combat our jet lag by walking to the Big Buddha. The girl at the reception desk told us it was about a 15 minute walk. There are no sidewalks. We walked on top of a semi-grated strip of concrete which housed the open sewers. It was very treacherous walking with cars and scooters nearly hitting us. Forty minutes later, we could see it at the top of a mountain in the far distance…about another two hour's walk away. Instead we visited the Chalong Temple. Temples here are known as "Wats". It is very hot here. We had to leave our sandals outside and run across the boiling hot tiles to get inside. It's quite ornate. There are gold Buddhas everywhere. People were praying here and there and donating a lot of money. Buddha really knows how to work it! They also have a large conical building that looks like a giant beehive. People were paying to put fireworks inside which they set off every 15 minutes or so.


Lynda Stealing Gold From The Monks	Dave Prays To His God

On the way back we got caught in a tropical downpour. We took refuge under an overhang at a large warehouse. Outside were many tour busses and people going inside. We decided to check it out while waiting for the rain to stop. I thought it was a museum. The receptionist provided us with a guide and took us around a corner into a pitch black room. We had no idea what was going on. As our eyes slowly adjusted, we could see that we were in a huge warehouse full of beds. Now we were really worried. It turned out to be a mattress factory where you could come in and try out your bed. People were sleeping everywhere. The salespeople had little penlights and were writing up sales orders. They even had private rooms for the VIPs. During our stay, we saw many of these stores with continual non-stop tour busses.


Wat Chalong	Wat The Hell?

The rain had stopped so we met Awme at the Tiger Muay Tai gym which is about a 2 minute walk from our hotel. We're on a strip of road about 2 km long which is all boxing gyms. Amy introduced us to the head trainer and we were given the VIP treatment. They gave us a special spot in the middle of the gym to watch Awme train along with about 20 others. We headed back to our resort for supper. Awme turned in early while Lynda and I swam in the pool for an hour. Then we played some music on the ukulele and travel guitar that I brought. I had put all the sheet music on Lynda's tablet. By the time we figured out how to use it, we were exhausted. Lynda fell asleep while playing "Old Dan Tucker". I guess she was "tuckered" out.

Awme At The Gym


Dong Nai, Awme's Trainer (And Later, Mine As Well)	Dong Nai Gives Awme The Old One Two

Sunday March 16, 2014:

Got up and the three of us met for breakfast in our hotel restaurant. I had banana pancakes. Very good!! We decided to go against everything we'd read, and rent two scooters. They were 100 bhats each for the day which is only about $3.00 Cdn. Initially they had no helmets but fortunately, the reception girl was able to scrounge up two helmets and then she found a third one for me which had been left out in the rain and was soaked…but I didn't mind the "cool" helmet in the heat. Awme took one, and Lynda got on the back of the other one with me. Thailand is like Europe - they drive on the opposite side of the road. I didn't realize how much of a problem this would be as all my training was completely reversed. I never really did get the hang of it. That, coupled with the congested traffic, not understanding the traffic signs and other minor details, made scooter rental extremely hazardous. We soon learned that their red traffic lights had a numbered countdown before turning green. When it reached number 4 everyone took off. Both Awme and I kept looking the wrong way before pulling into traffic and quite often pulled into the wrong lane. We had many close calls. One time, Lynda and I turned off, but Awme went straight. It was tricky but we did manage to find each other again. We drove about 7 km up a very steep and treacherous mountain with many "elephant crossing" signs, to see the Big Buddha. It was steep enough that I had my doubts that our scooters would have enough power to make it up…but they did.

The Big Buddha is a giant statue that can be seen from almost anywhere in Phuket. We climbed to the top and also went inside where construction was in progress. Awme asked one of the worker's if she could help and was soon laying some bricks. We toured the whole complex and tried to outdo each other coming up with crazy pictures. I thought they might give us the "boota". Both Lynda and Awme crawled on their knees to get blessed by a cross-legged Monk. He dipped a stick in some holy water and touched Awme's head and Lynda's horns with it. Lynda lost her watch there. I'm sure I saw the Monk wearing it.


The Bells Are Ringing...	For Me And My Gal

We left there and headed back down the mountain stopping at a roadside "gas station" which consisted of rum bottles filled with "gasohol". We filled up amid the elephants and set off for Kata Beach. Awme crossed the intersection first nearly getting hit by a taxi. I was distracted watching her and looked the wrong way before pulling out into an oncoming truck. Lynda was pounding my back and screaming. It didn't really help much, but it did work a few kinks out of my spine. From that point on, Lynda kept up a running commentary which sounded something like, "Watch out… there's a cat…you're too close, slow down, pedestrian, pothole", and my favourite, "waterbuffalo on your right!!"


Thailand Branch of Hell's Angels	Elephant Crossing

We got lost and ended up at the Chalong pier where we had a picturesque view of the sewage emptying into the ocean next to the resort we almost stayed at. We drove about 40 minutes through the mountains to Kata Beach. We parked and followed the large sewage canal which ran parallel to the ocean. There were millions of crabs along the canal's bank which kept poking their little claws up through the sludge. Likely they were yelling, "someone get me out of here!". I imagine the canal emptied into the ocean at some point. Despite that, we went for a quick swim. It was a very nice beach. We eventually headed back to our resort and into our pool. Awme and I talked Lynda into getting inside a baby flotation device. It was quite amusing.


The One Resort In Chalong	We Spent A L:ot Of Time In This Pool

Later we got the scooter gang back together and headed out at night to find the mythical "night market". We had directions from the lobby but should have known better. We asked no less than 10 people and were given 10 conflicting directions. We did find one market but it was closing. More directions led us to a gated community. Finally gave up and found a restaurant downtown to eat at. They actually grew lettuce on the walls which they plucked and used for our salads. Hmmm…wall salad…my favourite! We had some good smoothies there and some raw peppercorns which grow in a clump like grapes. We took turns seeing who could eat the most before dying. Awme won. Amid many close scooter mishaps, we made it back to the resort where we stayed up until midnight planning tomorrow's schedule.


Street Meat	Cockroach Kebobs

Nothing Like Plucking Your Salad From The Wall

Monday March 17, 2014:

We met Awme for breakfast. Since we still had the use of our scooters till 1:00, we scooted off through the mountains to Karon Beach. It was a very scenic (yet dangerous trip with hairpin curves and lots of traffic). At Rawei Beach, there was a police roadblock and everyone was being pulled over. A Thai policeman pointed at me to pull over. I pretended I didn't see him and zoomed on by. Awme copied my move and followed along behind and we escaped. We pulled in to Mr. Bean Taylors where Awme bought a dress and I was almost talked into buying a custom fit suit for $6.00. However, somehow the initial price escalated to $400.00 so I jumped on my scooter and ran away. The beach towns are actually quite cool and scenic with hundreds of scooters parked all along the storefronts.

We wanted to find "Surf House" which is a restaurant where you can practice surfing. No one had heard of it…even people as close to it as 3 blocks away. Perhaps they misinterpreted my surfing poses for some weird acrobatic dance. Anyway, we finally did find it, but by then it was too late to go surfing, as we had to return our scooters. We all agreed that it had been an excellent ride.


Washrooms Of Thailand

To relax, Awme went off to train while Lynda and I hit the pool. Later, we left the resort and explored right to the end of the road which was about 2 km. There was a mini mall there with an exotic pet store with bugs and birds and things. We turned left at the main road and had to walk under low signs to avoid being hit in the head. It was about 2 zillion degrees outside. I got a bit of sunstroke. We ate at a small place on the way back, next door to one of the training gyms. With my failing eyesight, I could see a boxer and his trainer practicing rounds in the ring. Both of them kept looking over at me and smiling brightly. I mentioned to Lynda that I thought they really liked me. She rolled her eyes and said, "they're not smiling at you…they're both wearing white mouthpieces."

We stopped at another ritzy mattress outlet and took another tour to see people sleeping here and there. Tour busses were continually pulling up. Lynda and I are plan to open a similar business when we get back to Kingston.


Dodging Sidewalk Hazards	Lynda Stands Over The Sewage Grates

Back at the hotel, we made good use of the pool again until about 10:00. No one seems to care how late you stay in the pool. We got out my ukulele and guitar and played some music for an hour before hitting the sack.

Tuesday March 18, 2014:

As per usual, we met Awme for breakfast in the lobby. Due to Lynda's superior communication skills, she ended up with two breakfasts for herself this morning. For relaxation today, we took a taxi to the Tiger Kingdom where they raise orphan tigers. Our original plan was to take a scooter, but we all felt we would probably never find it. We wandered the complex checking out all the various sizes from babies to scary big. We had a choice of playing with the babies, medium or large. Of course, we chose large. We ran into a couple from Harrowsmith who knew some of the same locals as Lynda and Awme. Small world. They led us into a large fenced compound with three full grown tigers running around inside. We were each given about 10 minutes with the medium sized one which was semi-sleeping in the sun. We were allowed to sit beside it, hug it, pet it etc. They recommended not touching its feet. Every once in a while, it would look up and stare into your eyes. A little unnerving but luckily there was a trainer who had a tiny little stick with him to allay our fears in case the 800 pound tiger pounced. The second tiger was even larger and even more unnerving, but it was quite the experience. At one point I noticed that Lynda had left her new tablet on a slab of cement in the sun. I picked it up. It was almost melting. I stuck it on a shady spot on the lawn and let her know. Minutes later, I looked over and there was a 250 pound Russian buffoon standing on it. Lynda was not too pleased but fortunately, no damage was done, once the footprint was washed off. Later, in the lobby we were watching a tiger on the other side of the fence. It turned and stared at us for a full 20 seconds in attack mode. I was glad the fence was there. Outside the complex, it was quite hot so naturally, Awme waded into the fountain. A worker came over and pretended to push me in. We took a mini tuk-tuk back to our resort. It was only 30 minutes away.

An Accident Waiting To Happen

We swam in our pool again having contests such as "who could stand place a volleyball between their feet, push it to the bottom and stand on it the longest". And the winner was…me!! We all practiced my mean little kid laugh which goes something like, "hee, hee, hee, hee". Awme was very good at it and soon perfected it.

Lynda and I went exploring downtown. We toured several free museums including a pearl making factory, a silk worm factory and lastly a pecan factory where you could sample about 50 different flavours. It was a good snack.


Lynda At The Pecan Factory Guardhouse	Some Yummy Treats

I had Tom Gum soup for supper. Lynda did as well, although she said she was still full from breakfast. Awme had a drink in a coconut. When she was done, I used my knife to carve a pumpkin out of it and we gave it to one of the local kids. Maybe it will catch on and become a holiday tradition. Awme had been given 3 tickets by her trainer, that she still had to pay for, for tonight's Thai boxing fight at the main arena. Two hotel guests from England, both training at Awme's gym sold her 3 tickets for a lower price. Luckily Awme was able to give the originals back to her trainer. The arena was just down the road so we walked there. Our tickets included a beer each. Don Nai, one of Awme's trainers also bought us drinks and a coconut. We had great seats and the arena was very modern. There were five fights with a maximum of five rounds each. In between rounds, they had bikini girls that would come out with signs announcing which round it was. When the fights started, a live orchestra droned the same music over and over which consisted of some kind of flute and a drum and who knows what else. At the beginning of each round, the two opponents would parade around the ring. Lynda and I would decide which of the two were most likely to win. We picked the winner for all five of the rounds. Had I known, we could have bet and won a fortune. There were two knockouts tonight. I'd never been to a fight before. It was quite interesting.


Group Slurp	Traditional Coconut Jack O' Lantern

We walked back to our hotel and I tuk-tucked Lynda into bed.

Wednesday March 19, 2014:

Awme joined us for breakfast around 11:00 after she'd finished her early morning training. She mentioned that she was having trouble sleeping. I suggested that perhaps she wasn't getting enough exercise. I didn't get any more candies the rest of the day. We took a taxi to the Surf House Restaurant on Kata Beach. Awme and I took the surfing lessons while Lynda was our official photographer. They have two lanes with a jet of water. The trainer holds one end of a rope while you hold the other surfing against the current. Quite interesting. If you fall, the jet of water tumbles you uphill and into a small pond where you get in line for your next session. The trick is to not fall down, then you get more surf time. Both of us did quite well and were soon not using the rope. The trainer told me to jump up and down on my board. I showed him that I wasn't ready for that, by doing a spectacular fall onto the inflated median and into the next lane where I was blow to the top by the jet of water. Lynda said a Japanese couple where laughing and pointing at me saying, "Look at the old man!!" I didn't think Lynda spoke Japanese so I'm not sure if I believe her or not. My instructor was yelling instructions in Thai of course so I never knew what I was supposed to do. I would just strike different gravity defying poses while he yelled, "No…no!!!". However, I did seem to get the hang of it.


Thailand's Star Surfers

We walked down to the beach. Awme met a Brazilian named Leandros so we left her and went swimming until we were whistled out of the water due to rip tides. We walked the beach then Awme gave Leandros the boot and we checked out some stores then caught a taxi back with Poo. Poo suggested we eat at his restaurant "Two Houses". We didn't poo poo the idea, so while Awme had a snooze, we walked about a mile there for supper. It was pretty good. I wanted to take a short cut through some alleys on the way back but Lynda didn't want to be ravaged by wild dogs so we returned the via the same route. Back at the ranch, we got Awme and swam for a few hours before retiring for the evening.


Beach Babe At Kata Beach	Beach Monkey


Touristy Town Of Kata Beach

Thursday March 20, 2014:

Got up and watched Awme train at the gym. I talked one of her trainers, Don Nai, into giving me a one hour Muay Thai session at 12:30 today. Lynda and I went back to the pool until training time. Don Nai made me do about 30 laps around the gym (did I mention it's hot here?) and then he taped my hands and installed a pair of boxing gloves. He then had me punch and kick while giving me instruction in Thai. We would do 5 minutes on, then a 2-3 minute break. The only words I understood where "left" and "right". Unfortunately, I have a slight problem in not knowing which is my left or right. That also made it a little difficult for Don Nai as he never knew which way I was going to hit. Several times I almost hit him in the face and one time, I actually got so confused that I punched myself. I thought I'd gotten away with it until I heard Lynda say to Awme, "Was I seeing things or did I just see him punch himself on the chin"? "Yes he did", said Awme. Later, he had me mirror him in some of the fighting moves. In the video Lynda took, it looks like some strange cartoon dance number. At the end, he had me wind down by doing 30 sit-ups. I was disappointed that he didn't punch me in the stomach at the same time which is what they do to some of their clients. They also usually make them do pushups at the end. When he said I was done, I replied, "No pushups?". He said, "No". I wanted the full treatment so I volunteered 35, then Awme and Lynda hosed me down (did I mention it was hot?).


Dong Nai Wraps My Hands	You Want A Piece Of Me?!	More Hand Wrapping


Excellent Gravity Defying Balance	Ouch!	This Was Just Before My Heart Attack


Awme Practising The Thailand Cool Down	Warriors

We decided to experience a motorbike taxi (or motorcyclebikle as Awme calls them). The girls at the desk called for them and two showed up. Awme got on the back of one, and Lynda and I were on the back of the second one. There weren't enough helmets for me. It was pretty cramped and both drivers had several close calls but eventually we were dropped in old Phuket Town. We wandered all over checking out stores and Wats and eating street meat for about 3 hours. We had planned to take a bus back but the terminal was closed for the evening. Instead we hailed a taxi to return. Our hotel was blacked out with a power shortage. The restaurant next door had some lights so we ate over there instead. Then we hit the pool for a couple of hours before bedtime.


Taking The Motorbiklecycle Taxi	Awme & Lynda In The Land Of The Giant Strange Fruit

An Evening Stroll with Long John Silver & Awme

Friday March 21, 2014

Got up early. Lynda and I caught our tour bus to James Bond Island at 8:45. It was a 2.5 hour bumpy ride through the mountains, past Patong and over the Sarasin Bridge. Lynda and one of the other passengers didn't feel well. The first stop was the Suwankuha temple (Monkey Cave). We had to pay an admission fee as it wasn't covered on our tour. This was a very cool cavern with a long, huge, gold, sleeping Buddha. I was a little envious having not had a lot of sleep lately. We took the back stairs to the top and entered another cavern with a lifelike meditating monk. The rocks were worn slippery smooth and Lynda came close to falling at one point. After that, Lynda elected to stay behind while I climbed the dangerous route to the top. Outside the cavern were a tribe of monkeys. You could feed them bananas and they seemed quite tame. Someone threw a banana to one perched 40 feet up on the mountain. He reached out and caught it with ease. He probably would have done well playing for the Toronto Blue Jays. Lynda and I were last returning to the bus. We got a few glares.


One Of My Ancestors	Why You Should Close Your Mouth While Eating

From there we went to the dock where a longboat whisked us through the mangroves to Panyee Island. This is a huge Muslim floating village that extends from a small island into the ocean. They have a school, market, three restaurants and even a football field. The restaurant we ate at was the largest I've ever seen. The food was excellent. The waiter kept bringing all kinds of bowls of things including soup and French fries. Our guide told us we were free to wander the market but to be back in thirty minutes. I asked him three times and understood that we were to meet back at the boat so I led Lynda through the maze of markets, taking pictures of everything that looked interesting and eventually we ended up at the dock where we came in.

Lynda said, "We'd better get back…we only have 2 minutes left".

I said, "What do you mean? He said we're supposed to meet at the dock".

"No he didn't", said Lynda, "He said, the restaurant".

We wasted 5 minutes debating what the guide said until Lynda convinced me by pointing out that we were the only ones on the dock. We shook our buddhas and ran all the way back to the restaurant where we found one other passenger who was lost as well. No one was there. We asked around and someone pointed to another dock saying that our group was meeting there. The three of us raced through the maze of vendors and ended up at the other dock. No one was there. Eventually our guide tracked us down by asking vendors if they'd seen any crazy Canadians. We were half an hour late when we left. The glares from our fellow passengers were much more pronounced now.


The Floating Village

We took our long tail boat to Phang Nga Bay to a large anchored boat where we disembarked near the sea caves at Talu Island. Our new private guide, Captain Jack Sparrow got us situated in an inflatable kayak and he paddled us through various caves. Some were so low to the water, we had to lie in the boat to get through. One opening we went into led to the centre of the island where we were surrounded by cliff walls but no roof. There were many stalagmites (or Hongs, as they called them). Captain Jack was a good guide and kept taking my camera to take photos of us. Then he would put it in his pocket to see what I'd do. I retaliated by stealing his paddle. He laughed and returned my camera. Then he would point out several stalagmites and rock features that looked like human genitalia saying, "Poppa…you like? Momma…you like?" It was quite amusing.


Momma & Half Poppa	Captain Jack Sparrow

We left there after being given some blue drinks which were pretty good. No idea what they were though. Arrived at Khao Tapu Island (James Bond Island where the Man With The Golden Gun was filmed). We took photos of the very scenic needle rock and the leaning rock and were told we had 3 minutes to swim if we'd like to. We passed. Somehow, Lynda and I were last on the boat again. More glares. We headed back to the Sarakul Pier then took our bus to the Sarasin Bridge. We wandered the bridge and got many photos…and just to be consistent…we were the last on the bus again. Openly hostile glares were boring into the backs of our heads on the trip back. I managed to remove my contacts so I could get some shuteye.


...As Roger Moore Rolls Over In His Grave...	Moneypenny & Bond


Lynda Always Likes The "Stares"	The Troll of Sarasin Bridge

The Monkmobile

We had supper with Awme before she went to bed. We stayed up and viewed our photos on Lynda's tablet then spent almost 2 hours making a special video for our friends, Joanne and Ross. Finally, it was perfect…and then I accidently erased it. I told Lynda what happened and that we would have to do it one more time. The room got extremely chilly at that point. Even with two sweaters on, I could still feel my cold shoulder.

Saturday March 22, 2014:

Lynda and I had breakfast. We decided to find the large mall downtown. I suggested going by local bus since it would be cheaper than taking a taxi. We walked to the main road and I tried unsuccessfully to flag down 3 buses. The driver's were nice enough to wave back but didn't stop. Only forty minutes of standing in the hot sun and already Lynda wanted to give up and take a taxi. A few motorbike taxis and regular taxis stopped and offered us rides for outlandish prices.

"Can't we please take a taxi?" moaned Lynda.

I renewed my efforts of waving my arms and jumping up and down and finally one of the small buses stopped. I was ecstatic. We had saved ourselves seventy-five cents each. Lynda didn't share my glee.

We shopped around at the mall and then I suggested walking to where we'd seen a place that gave blind massages. This was something Lynda wanted to try. Apparently they are much better masseuses as their touch senses are over developed. I assured Lynda I knew where it was. We walked in the blazing sun for a mile up the road.

"Are you sure you know where it is", said Lynda wrapping her pirate's scarf more tightly around her head.

"It's either on this road about another mile, or if not, we can go a mile across and I'm sure it will be on the other road…I think", I said reassuringly.

"I've had enough", said Lynda, "Let's go back".

"All right", I said, "I'll just flag down the next bus".

Lynda made us take a taxi back home. We swam in the pool with Awme.

We decided we would go to Patong tonight to experience Thailand's den of inequity. We saved this event for Saturday since this would be the busiest and wildest time. My suggestion of taking a bus was quickly vetoed 2 to 3. We took a taxi only to discover that today was election day so all of the bars were closed. It was still quite the place but we weren't able to see very many ladyboys or strippers on the stripping poles or ping pong girls….don't ask. It was still very crowded with a lot of vendors and we had a good time sampling a variety of street meat. We took turns buying 3 of everything and then we'd share whatever it was. It became a game to see who could get the worst food. Lynda won, when she presented each of us with what looked like a white grub on a stick. I was the only one that ate it as I didn't have my good glasses on and thought it was a shrimp. It actually wasn't too bad. The best meal was a skewer of potato chips. Awme and I also had a banana pancake filled with the toppings of our choice…chocolate, vanilla, etc. I tried unsuccessfully to get one for Lynda with a grub in it. We took a mini tuk-tuk back to our resort. It poured rain on the way.


Typical Patong Vendor	Typical Taxi Driver


Amusing The Local Police	A Spiral Of Potato Chips - Yummy!!


Sharing Some Street Meat

Making The Best Use Of A Store Display

That's Not A Bad Pose!

Okay...So Maybe We Got A Little Carried Away...

Sunday March 23, 2014:

The three of us raced around getting ready as we'd booked an 8:00 taxi to take us to the Rassada Pier where we caught the two hour ferry to Phi Phi Island. After we'd paid for our return trip, Lynda noticed that our tickets were only one way. Luckily, we got that straightened out, or we'd still be there. We went right to the top deck and sat on the floor. During the whole trip we could hear, what sounded like people moaning. It turned out that down below they had a nice seating area and most people were there watching "The Pirates of the Caribbean". The movie was coming up through the pipes. At the island, we bartered for a long-tail boat and got one for 600 bhats instead of the starting bid of $1500. Our guide was great! He took us to the reef at Long Beach where we jumped overboard and snorkeled. He nonchalantly pointed out that there were sharks just to the right of the reef. I wasn't sure if he was warning us or suggesting we head over there. Awme didn't bring a mask or snorkel so Lynda and her traded off until our guide gave us his to use. I had my contacts so I couldn't do without my mask. Occasionally the captain would toss some bread over the side. The fish were so plentiful they surrounded us and would nibble on your back. At times there were so many that they were blocking me from taking pictures of my companions.

Our boat dumped us on the beach and told us we had a half hour left on our fare. We swam and bobbed around and practiced some aerobics then took our boat back to the main island. We annoyed a vendor by our order. She thought we only wanted two hamburgers instead of three. Well….excu..u..u..u..se me!! There was nowhere to sit so we took our meal into an empty open air restaurant. They were not pleased and asked us to leave…which we did eventually…after we'd finished. This is an extremely touristy island so I guess they aren't quite as friendly as most places.


Lynda Saves A Lot By Never Having To Rent Waterskis, Snowshoes Or Snowboards	Water Aerobics

We caught the ferry back…but this time we went below and watched "The Pirates of the Caribbean" in the very comfortable reclining chairs. Actually, the chairs were too comfortable. We were soon sound asleep. Nicest ferry I've ever been on. Lynda woke up and asked one of the crew about getting a taxi back. He took her right up to the pilot room and introduced her to the Captain. He said he would drive us back as he lived near our hotel. Lynda was a little wary so she didn't pay but when we disembarked he searched us out and led us to his car. Captain Prabhu lived up to his promise. "Captain Prabhu, we love you", sang Awme.

Back at the ranch we kicked back for a few minutes then took a taxi to see the stage production of Siam Niramit. It was quite an event. The area and buildings are quite lush with huge fountains. Outside we were treated to a parade of elephants and actors who allowed us to take photos with them. On the way in to the stage there were signs saying "no cameras or cellphones" and an area where you could drop them off. I had on a pair of shorts with very low pockets so I placed my camera in one, and knowing how attached Awme was to her cellphone, I stuck that one in my back pocket. I was frisked but they missed both. I took a couple of pictures inside and missed getting kicked out like some of the other patrons. Before the star of the show, we were shown a film clip about the King. It was quite interesting and showed him on different excursions taking photos etc. Everyone here loves the King. If you mention his name, be prepared for a fifteen minute speech praising him. There are posters of him everywhere. It was an excellent show with an actual river running through the stage complete with boats. One of the actors dove into it so it must have been fairly deep. The stage backgrounds changed many times and also had people flying around on invisible wires. At one point, elephants walked behind us in the aisles. Outside by the fountain, Lynda treated us and all the guests to one of her special dances. Fortunately I caught it on film. Awme and I watched it over and over and couldn't stop laughing.

We caught another taxi home. We passed yet another poster of the King.

"What is the name of the king?", Awme asked our driver.

"Phra Bat Somdet Phra Poramintharamaha Bhumibol Adulyadej Mahitalathibet Ramathibodi Chakkrinaruebodin Sayamminthrathirat Borommanatbophit", he said proudly.

I whispered to Awme, "I believe the English translation is 'George'".

The rest of the ride was passed with the three of us and the driver singing to a song on the radio, "Drinking With The Bitches". Awme showed the driver, Lynda's dance video and soon ¾ of us were laughing so hard we were doubled over.

"It's not really that funny", muttered Lynda.

Before retiring for the night, the three of us sat around in our room eating chocolate bars and other goodies bought from our homeland at the sacred place of worship - The Dollar Store.

Monday March 24, 2014:

Today was a sad day…our last day. We had breakfast then went back to our room and packed. Since checkout time is at noon, and our plane didn't leave until 1:00 a.m., we moved all our stuff to Awme's after petting our balcony cat a fond farewell.

Awme told us that she was very tired today running laps (likely because we had kept her up late last night). The head trainer had told her to pick up the pace or he would whip her trainer. Awme thought he had left so she slowed down again. He spotted her and brought out her trainer to be whipped. Awme said, "No" and took his place. She had a very nice welt across her rear. People came from all over to see it. She should have charged admission.

My suggestion of taking a bus was once again vetoed so we took motorbike taxi's to the Central Festival Mall. As per usual, there weren't enough helmets to go around for me. The mall is quite huge - five or six stories. We shopped around until I found my home at the music store. I stayed there putting on a mini concert for the locals eventually choosing an electric guitar and ukulele to purchase. They bundled it up for me and kept it while I joined my companions for some more shopping. We used my bartering system for a taxi.

Me: "How much"

Driver: "$1000 bhats".

Me: "No. $300"

Driver: "$1000"

I just kept repeating $300 until I wore him down and he gave up. I call my system, "bartering by annoyance". Back at "The One", the reception girls had a good time playing my new ukulele while we ate.

They had a little farewell party for us in the lobby in the form of two fighters calling one another out. There was a lot of yelling that didn't amount to much, but it was interesting. Poo had previously shaken all our hands and agreed to pick Lynda and I up at 10:00 tonight for our airport run. By 10:15 he had not shown up.

"That's the last time I'll ever eat at his restaurant!!" yelled Lynda.

I ran down the road to the taxi stand but it was closed. Ran back to the hotel and told Lynda I would run out to the main highway and flag something down. It was pitch black but I managed to get a car to stop. I don't believe he was even a taxi.

Me: "How much"

Driver: "$1000 bhats".

Me: "No, $800".

Well, you know how it goes. He didn't know that I wasn't in a position to barter so I eventually won out and he drove me back to the hotel to pick up Lynda.

"What took you so long?", asked Lynda.

"He was giving me a hard time with the bartering", I replied.

"We're late…and you're bartering!!!", yelled Lynda rolling her eyes. "Where is he anyway?"

I looked and he was gone. Apparently he had to use the bushes at the side of the road. I think he'd been drinking. We barely had time to say goodbye to Awme. Our driver dropped us at the airport at 11:15 and we rushed through customs. Our plane left on time. We watched a movie and went to sleep.

Lynda Generally Uses Me As A Pack Mule

Tuesday March 25, 2014:

Woke up for one of our meals. They were out of omelets so Lynda was given chicken fried rice and I got the bottom of the barrel with oatmeal (retch). Even Lynda couldn't eat it…and she likes oatmeal. I think it was partly because I'd emptied my soup packet into it thinking it was cinnamon. Lynda, being the favourite, also got a bun. I asked for one. The stewardess came back with one hidden from the other passengers under a napkin and gave it to…Lynda!!! Grrrrr!! Half an hour after we'd given back our trays, the stewardess whispered to me, "You didn't like your oatmeal?" She certainly had a good memory.

We had to disembark in Korea again and go through customs. Lynda was detained as per usual while they searched over and over for some item the x-ray had picked up. After twenty minutes they decided it was either her tablet's stylus pen or the suitcase key and lock she had misplaced and hadn't been able to find earlier. Always the problem child.

Back on the plane, Lynda had the window seat again and the aisle seat was taken by a young Chinese gentleman. I got up to use the facilities which were two seats behind us. When I returned, I went too far and stood just in front of our seats looking for Lynda. Of course I couldn't see her. This confused me so I retraced my steps thinking I'd got turned around. I went into the next compartment which was a different colour so I was sure that wasn't the solution. I returned to the same spot, standing beside Lynda and searching fruitlessly. I decided I must have really got turned around so I went to the far side. No luck. I decided the answer must be that I was dreaming so I just played along and kept searching. Finally, I spotted Lynda. Both her and the Chinese guy had been watching me the whole time. She was doubled over, silently laughing, while he had his mouth open in amazement wondering how someone could actually get lost on an airplane. Lynda left to use the washroom and accidently pushed the "Help" button so a stewardess walked in on her. I think she did that so I wouldn't feel so bad about getting lost. She's very kind that way.

Interesting trivia: We left Seoul Korea at 10:05 a.m. and arrived at 10:00 a.m. the same day in Toronto. I guess that makes us time travelers. We zipped through customs again and I called SkyPark to pick us up. It was cold out so Lynda stood inside while I waited by the luggage outside. The bus pulled up. Lynda wasn't paying attention to me waving for her so I loaded all the stuff. Then I realized it was the wrong bus. Lynda showed up to help me unload. It was quite amusing. Eventually we got to my car and the three hour trip back to Kingston arriving at 3:00 p.m.

The people of Thailand were very friendly and we did everything we set out to do…and more! However, I do have a good travel tip for someone who plans to visit there. Apparently, Phuket is pronounced "Pooket", NOT the way it looks.

HATS OFF TO THAILAND

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