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"R-BANNED ROCKS THE RIDEAU"
HOUSEBOAT TOUR 2012
Friday August 24, 2012
Everyone met at Houseboat Holidays at Clark's Marina just west of Gananoque, Ontario. Everyone being myself, Lynda, Jim, Paul, Sue, Wendy and Don. Total cost of the 48' Big Blue houseboat with tax and insurance was $1163.90 so we each chipped in $200 and put the leftover money in the kitty for gas. Neil gave us a quick refresher course on the operation and started us off well with a few laughs. Malcolm had lent us his silent generator, so this time we brought all our Banned equipment with us. After getting everything packed away, Don took the wheel and we set out at 1:10 pm for a three day cruise. We each brought a 5 gallon can full of gas ($30 each) to save on Marina gas prices. Everyone was very happy to see that I had brought my 1922 leaking gas can. Total gas to Jones Falls and back ended up being $411.90 (1/2 of it at $1.66/litre and ½ at about $1.20/litre). The cheaper amount was the non-marina prices. The return price for 3 locks was $129.60.
Immediately upon leaving the marina, we got lost and had to check the charts. Captain Lynda took the helm and continued Don's "s-trail" route to Cedar Island near Kingston. There were enough zigs that we probably drove an extra twenty miles or so. Some drivers seemed to head for the larger buoys while others seemed to have a fondness for the little buoys. Perhaps I should reword that!!
I brought out the special envelopes. These were three envelopes labeled "A", "B" and "C". Each one contained a random first name, a second name and a last name. Lynda randomly pulled names out of the envelope. The rules were that you could change all or one of your three names two times. If you went for the third time you had to keep that name. The following names were what ended up being on each of our name tags.
Paul Sweaty Wombat Crapper
Sue Senator Spleen Humperdink
Wendy Joyless Crotch Barnacle
Don Slick Palms Spittoon
Jim One-Eyed Pinky Tartkicker
Lynda Whistlin' Jockstrap Christ Almighty
Dave Slobbering Brittlebones Dumpling
Jim had trouble remembering which side of the buoy he should be on so he changed the saying from "Red Right Return" to "Red Retard Reverse" so that he could remember it easier. It didn't seem to help. This led into a weekend long discussion on whether we were going uphill or downhill…or as the more experienced called it, "up river or down river". Somehow it also led into another discussion about wallets. Jim asked, "If you have more than one wallet, would they be called Wallei"?
"Why are you kicking me, Jim"? asked Wendy.
"Just trying to live up to my new name", replied Jim cheerily.
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THE HOUSEBOAT WAS MUCH LIKE DRIVING A BRICK |
Earlier we had all purchased subs which we had en route for supper. Don did an excellent job of locking us through the Kingston Mills Locks. From our kitty, I removed $129.60 and paid for 3 locks and return which will cover all the locks to Jones Falls and back. It worked out to ninety cents a foot. Both Jim and Don forgot to remove their nametags while talking to the lockmaster.
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SUE TAP DANCES UP THE RIDEAU |
JIM & PAUL LOCK US THROUGH KINGSTON MILLS |
Friends of Paul and Sue were there so they hopped on the boat and went through the locks with us. If you step on the boat, houseboat rules state that you must have a name
Ellie Hairy Honey Bidet
Sam Wrinkled Fisted Delaney
Sue wrote out the name tags. She said, "What does wrink led mean?" I explained that it was "wrinkled". She said, "I can't read your terrible writing." "But, it's not my writing…it's typed out?" I responded. And that is how she got the name, "Wrink Led Sue".
We docked at the upper dock then set up all our Banned equipment outside by the picnic tables. Sue made us some special beans. By 6:30 we were entertaining the locals. Lynda played my electric uke. There were only two overnight guests at the dock and they both seemed happy to be serenaded.
We had free docking at all the locks provided by Houseboat Holidays. Halfway through our set, a boatload of inebriated women pulled in, saying they heard us from across the lake and thought it was a very loud stereo. They joined us for several songs and asked if we knew any stripping songs. Unfortunately they had to leave but were replaced with another boat that showed up after hearing us from across the lake as well. Some of the lock personnel came down and listened for a while. I had some trouble singing…I think I had "lock" jaw. Jackie and Ian came dropped over to visit us since I had left them a cell phone message earlier. Naturally we had to present them with their some suitable houseboat names:
Ian Slimy Tongue Magoo
Jackie Queen Legs McPhlem
We played till we couldn't see anymore. They visited us until midnight or so, then we all walked Slimy Tongue and Queen Legs back to their car. Wendy was startled when she stepped on a branch…that was not a good thing. We all took turns startling her the rest of the night. Don wore us out with his two hour seminar on "Shhmocks".
We retired for the evening. Thanks to Sue's magic beans, the music continued throughout the night.
Saturday August 25, 2012
Another perfect day. We eventually arose and had breakfast outside on the picnic table. We left at 10:35 and I piloted us to Washburn locks. Small cross winds made it a little tricky…that and at the same time giving Lynda a seminar on guitar chords. Very scenic. I ran us through the Brewers Locks and we docked just above them. Since Sheila and Kevin lived 3 minutes away, we invited ourselves over for a barbecue and swim in their pool. Excellent pool, excellent meal!! We may have to go back next weekend as well. We couldn't talk Kevin and Sheila into joining us but they walked the 3 minutes back to the houseboat with us specifically to get their prestigious houseboat names. I had to carry Lynda most of the way as she didn't bring her hiking shoes.
Sheila The Great Balls Snicker Doodle
Kevin Warm Lips Diaper Rash
We set sail for Jones Falls with Captain Murphy at the helm. Jim, Lynda and I got out our guitars and formed a song triangle. It was a little difficult to hear over the engine but we persevered.
We docked at Jones Falls at 6:00. Jim and I immediately raced up to the Hotel Kenny where I wheeled and dealed and got us an excellent bargain. We could set up the Banned on their front lawn. There was to be no partying, they would give us free docking (although we already had free docking) and would pay us NOTHING! I signed the contract. I drove the houseboat over to our new docking space. Then we realized that the door to get out was on the opposite side. We decided it would be easier to try and manoeuvre the houseboat by hand rather than redock. Luckily we had a lot of mules to help us tugging on the ropes. They turned out to be friends of Lynda's…as usual…she knows everyone.
We were soon set up and playing for their dinner guests. Lynda was on the electric uke again and we played till we couldn't see. I had to play by crotchlight with the flashlight between my legs. The guests all came out and danced on the lawn. Eventually the manager came out and told us we could only do one more song as they were worried our music might upset an older couple that was staying the night. She thanked us profusely for entertaining their guests all evening. We put everything away and at 11:00 p.m. we were finally getting hungry after the big Kevin/Sheila meal. I barbecued us some porkchops and we had salads that Jim's wife Brenda brought and all kinds of stuff…and cookies!
Sunday August 26, 2012
Jim's panties were missing this morning. He thinks groupies may have snuck in in the middle of the night and stolen them. Someone tied my panties in a knot. Damn groupies!!
Wendy, Don, Lynda and I walked up to the upper locks and went for a swim. The hotel manager threw us a bonus today and said we could use their showers. Due to my plate dropping into my lap, I had crotch eggs for breakfast. We hit the road and Don drove us to Brewer's locks where we were greeted by a large bus tour from Australia. Lynda and I serenaded them with our ukuleles while Wendy sang from the roof of the houseboat.
We only met two boats on the next ten mile stretch. I tossed a beer up to Lynda on the roof just as one was passing us. Paul said, "Couldn't you have waited until they were gone?" Lynda's hat blew off so we sounded the alarm. Don had to do some tricky reverse manoeuvring to pick it up.
I took over from Don and ran us through Kingston Mills. Don drove us to the marina in Kingston where we filled up at $1.66 a litre. It's a 40 gallon tank…do the math.
Sue mentioned she'd had a glass sliver in her finger for a few weeks. Jim rose to the challenge and said he could get it out. Sue seemed a little wary of this and said, "just make sure you're gentle, Jim. Of course, we immediately changed Jim's title to Dr. Genital Jim Van Horne. We assembled the instruments he'd need - an exacto knife and three bottles of wine for the patient. At one point I walked by and Jim was digging away at Sue's finger while Sue's left leg was vibrating up and down…it reminded me of my old dog, Charlie. When you rubbed behind his ear, his leg would start vibrating in much the same way. Interesting…
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DR. VAN HORN'S DELICATE SURGERY |
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At one point he had a consultation with Dr. Murphy who suggested freezing the finger with ice.
We stopped at Cedar Island for lunch. There wasn't really room for us at the dock but we made room. The other two occupants were very nice and helped us out. Dr. Van Horn was in still in surgery. At one point, Sue was screaming, "take it out, take it out. It hurts too much!!". Jim said, "If only I had a nickel for every time I've heard that." The three hour surgery was not successful. Dr. VanHorn blamed it on his incompetent staff. A malpractice suit is in the wings.
Wendy made seafood. Jim called it, "Wendy's Houseboat For Battered Fish". . Had some burgers. Jim and I explored the Martello Tower at the far end then most of us went for a swim. I wiped Paul's beer off the counter with my inflatable chair as I went by. Not wanting to pick favourites, I spilled Sue's coffee as well.
It was decided that if/when we go again, we should bring a toaster, Dixie cups, coffeemaker and Shhmocks, other than that, we had everything we needed.
Commodore Jim drove most of the way back while Lynda and I played our ukes sitting on the bow and serenaded Paul & Sue...whether they wanted us to or not. Don brought us in to port and we disembarked with all our stuff. When Jim wasn't looking, Lynda signed a fancy pair of women's underwear "Thanks for last night, Jim" and added it to his dirty laundry bag for Brenda to find.
Jim kicked Wendy one last time, startling her, then we all went back to our separate non-houseboats. The end of a more than perfect weekend.
Here are some entries from the Lost Sea Scrolls that I copied from "The Captain's Log" with the person who entered it.
Stardate 285498 - Left at 1:10 p.m. in a westward direction - Jim
Lost - we went on the wrong side of the segull. Uneventful launch of "Big Blue" unless you count the seadoo, seagull, three geese and yacht we hit and killed. Dave brought a leaky gas can from 1922. We made it 100 yards before we were lost - no consensus on which way to go! No worries. "Hey kid…look, bieber"!! - Paul
Dave quickly gets out he names for people to wear on their shirts or wherever! Three different envelopes to give us three names - geesh! What a weird Freakazoid! How much time did he spend doing this? What a guy! - Sue
Lynda at the helm - we put an extra 20 km zigzagging. Is that a red buoy - how come it's over on the other side? J24! - Paul
Lynda, Dave and Jim went up on the roof. Haven't heard from them! Hopefully they fell off! - Sue
Arrived in Kingston Harbour at 3:25 p.m. Under the causeway/bridge at 3:32 - Unsigned.
Supper 5:30ish (Subway for most). Yummy! - Unsigned.
Played music till dark - visitors came by in boats - 10,000 screaming fans!! - Jim
Stardate 28549.9 (Sat). Left Kingston Mills at 10:35 a.m. a few minutes later than Don's 6:00 a.m. plan. - Jim
Lower Brewers - 12:20 - Unsigned
Nice cruise up the Rideau - nobody killed at docking…luckily. Nice scenery. Heading up river from Upper Brwewers at 3:45 - Paul
Late lunch at Sheila and Kevin's - so stuffed we won't need supper till 10 p.m. or so! - Jim
Arrived at Jones Falls 5:30 - 5:45 p.m. Beautiful trip! We set up band and played on the lawn in front of Hotel Kenny. People came out after eating to dance. It was dark by then and bugs coming out, so we packed up and made supper and ate around 10:00 p.m. - Paul
Stardate 28550.0 Left Jones Falls at 8:30 a.m. Hotel Kenny manager glad to see us go (No Partying!!). Don at the helm. Keeping it between the markers and aiming at a pair of kayakers. - Jim
Memorie!! (Not necessarily in order). Don's oratory on teaching! Smoooocks! Musical noises at night! Our aliases, especially when Jim and Don forgot they had them on when talking to the lockmaster. Playing at the Hotel Kenny!! Underwear incidents at Jones Falls…Jim's missing, Dave's tied in a knot. Lynda's mistaken identity. Dr. VanHorn's delicate operation on Sue! Playing for the Aussies on the rooftop. Don saving Lynda's love hat. Pool party at Kevin and Sheila's. Porkchops at midnight. Two hours later, Dr. VanHorn still operating. Dave's smorgasbord on his lap. Wendy swimming at Jones Falls in Jim's underwear! Playing till dark by Dave's crotch light.
As an aside note, my neighbour dropped by the other day and foolishly asked what the three envelopes were on my table. He left with his new nickname, "Bald Tinkerbelle VanHorn".
